Well apparently people shouldn't laugh at me when I tell them I think I'm having contractions! For a couple of weeks I've been feeing some tightening of the abdomen and some low pressure cramps but everytime I seened to mention them to anyone, they laughed and said "oh its braxton hicks or constipation." But yesterday at the doctor I brought it up again to them because on Tuesday, things seemed to be getting more frequent and intenese. The doctor said "Let me check you out just to see if anythings going on ... hmm, you're dialating my dear." Awesome.
Since I didnt think I was feeling any contractions at the time, she sent me over to the hospital so they could monitor me, but seemed pretty confident, they'd send me home that night and I'd, unfortunately, be on bed rest. (Now I joked last year about being on bed rest and how great it would be to just have to lay around and watch 90210 reruns but let's be honest. I'm far too much of a nesting control freak to be good on best rest so I got a little nervous.) So I trotted over to the hospital and low and behold -- contractions were apparently coning ever 1-3 minutes apart (for you non preggos, that is far too close unless you want to be contracting). Imagine my surprise, aren't you supposed to be know you're contracting!?
So, alas, I landed myself in the hospital for the 3rd time during this high drama pregnancy. FAIL. At the doctors office, they told me I was 2cm, an hour later at the hospital, they told me I was 3cm. I have made it to enough birth classes to know that you can be in early labor (up to 4cm) for weeks so to go that fast in a hour, kinda started to freak me out. This was before the doctors explained to me that dialation, at least up to the higher cm's, is subjective, based on how big your fingers are. So since my doctor in the office is bigger than the doctors doing the exam here, it could still be no change. Either way, I had to be checked into "labor and delivery." Pretty scary. Luckily, by that point, Scott had made it down here. Show him to miss another doctor appt! (though to be fair he was picking up our new car which practically everyone in our families have now seen except me!)
Luckily, my main doctor was on call last night so she stopped by a couple of times to visit me and make me feel a little better. She's really calm and laid back and her attitude, along with my awesome nurse Kellie's, reassured me that no one thought the babe was coming last night. Which is good. I was, well up for debate, but according to my doctor, 32 weeks and 3 days last night. According to the ultrasounds technicians (and my personal calculations), 32 weeks and 5 days last night. This wouldn't really make that much of a difference in general, but now since we're talking premature, every hour matters. I was assured early on that the mortality rates of infants born at 32 weeks is "practically zero." I don't love the word "practically" but I'll take it. The awesome news is all of the doctors and nurses I've seen in the last almost 36 hours have all said the same thing "The baby is looking and reacting beautifully to everything." His heartbeat is awesome and varied and he's moving, too much sometimes for them to keep him on the monitor (and for mommy to sleep!). We had an ultrasound this morning and he is weighing in right around 5lbs -- whicih is actually quite big for his gestational age! If I was to go full term with him, he'd be one hell of a baby to be pushing out! Though I won't joke about it because I keep hearing, from friends and doctors alike, that they are very successful in slowing labor and there is still a chance I could be coning in at 41 weeks to be induced! Ha. I highly doubt that will be the case with me because once they tell me I can be off bed rest (36-37 weeks), you best believe I'm going to be trying to get everything done before he pops out! Until then, I shall be sending Scott, my mom, and my mother in law to stores with printed otu lists and money so they can finish shopping for our little guy as I hold down fort from my couch (Fingers crossed! We're not on the woods in the hospital yet, I'm just trying to think positively!!)
So, last night was kinda scary in the labor room with a ton of people being overly concerned about you at all moments. But also it was kinda nice. I got my own private nurse and anything I needed, except sleep of course. My contractions started getting more noticeable and painful so they shot me up with some narcotic that instantaneously made me high as a kite and took the contractions back down to just a sensation of tightening vs. a need to breathe through them. I didn't beg for pain meds, they gave them to me to try and hit the contractions from a different angle since the pills they were giving me to slow the contractions weren't working as well as they had hoped. It still didn't kill the contractions -- I was having them all night 1-4 minutes apart, but at least I wasn't feeing them so intensely. Guess I'm gonna have to go for that epidural after all! These were baby contractions that I was unhappy with!
The worst moment last night, after I got through the baby isn't ready meltdown, was the realization that I was going to have to actually go through labor -- something last night proved I SO have not dealt with yet. I was majorly freaking out. My family has reminded me that even if little guy stays in for 7 more weeks, I am still going to have to go through labor. I mean I knew this --- but it's way more real now and I'm way underprepared mentally! My mom thinks it's beter this way because since things are happening early, I have to focus more of my energy on the baby's well being and I can't sit around and stress over the inevitability of labor. But I'll be honest for a second, I'm terrified.
Another scary moment is when the NICU people come talk to you. Last night my doctors told us they weren't going to have them come to us yet because luckily my labor didn't seem to progressing fast enough and they told us there was no need to worry us even more. Today, they did come. Not because my labor is worse, I was actually transferred out of labor and delivery this morning up to the more normal maternity floor (where I share a nurse boo) because things were looking good. But either way teh NCIU doctor came to chat with us and I prepared for the worst -- but it actually wasn't that bad! She was thrilled to hear our boy was weighing in around 5lbs -- nice and strong for a 32-33 week old baby! She basically told us if he were to come tonight, (which I'm also happy to report is it now 4am and we are inching closer to another new day!) he'd be in pretty good shape.. She said 32 and 33 week old babies do generally week in the long run. They have to go to the NICU, but they don't necessarily have a ton of problems. I've been pumped full of painful steroids for his lungs, which take full effect tonight (Fri) at 830pm, but he still may have some breathing problems, some issues remembering to breathe on his own, staying warm .. things like that, but their long term health is usually normal. But she said the typical stay for a baby born at this age is around 3 weeks -- could be more, could even be less! Nothing we can do, that we haven't already done, to help the situation so now it's just a matter of praying (and staying in bed!)
So here I lay. I'm still in the middle of my meds to slow the contractions, which finally seem to be having some sort of effect. I am still feeling contractions, but much more seldomly and sporatically, which is what everyone wants. I've been checked a few times (though not for about 12 hours or so now) and tthere has been no change in my cervix -- which is the most important thing right now -- if you're not dialated to 10, the baby is staying in. (Unless somethiing happens to him but like I said, so far he's doing great and my water is still in tact.) There's even talk of sending me home, which honestly, I"m a little nervous about! I am now aware of all the different feelings that mean that I'm contracting and will freak out and call the doctors office probably twice a day and they will probably make me come down everytime I call meaning a lot of movement, something I'm not supposed to be doing. I really need this guy to stay in at least 2 more weeks, I'd feel MUCH better if we can get 3-4 more weeks out of him but babies born at 35 weeks don't necessarily HAVE to go to NICU. If they come out breathing fine, they get to stay with momma! The thought of leaving my little guy at the hospital breaks my heart. Though I'm really missng my little Maizy right now too! No win situation.
For weeks Scott has been making fun of me for needing to be fully prepared and doing tons of shopping and picking things out that we can't buy yet and so on. Well now he is quite glad that I am as anal as I am. The nursery is not ready yet! The bassinet is there and built, the car seat and stroller are in the house and he's got clothes (that just need to be washed) but everything is still kinda a mess. I planned on using July to hang out in the air condition and nest away :) Joke's on me! Thank gosh I have my mom around to help with the laundry and setting up the bedding and so forth and shopping for last minute things, but I'm kinda bummed I can't do it myself. We're still waiting on our glider to complete the room and I have to order the rug, but that should be here shortly after the order. I have one more baby shower next weekend that I still don't know if I can go to, it all depends on where we are next week. Hopefully, the bed rest and meds will be working and I will be just hanging out not feeling contractions and they might ok me to go as long as I'm sitting the whole time. Otherwise I shall sadly send Scott in my place and be bummed that I couldn't see everyone. I was also really set on making my own birth announcements and thought a hot July would give me lots of inside down time to do that in. Though I guess it might still be possible, seeing as I'm on bed rest and you can only do so much in bed, I haven't bought any supplies to make them yet and I can't go shopping, so I may have to settle for ordering some. :( Sorry guys, my homemade idea was soo cute. I'll start earlier with the next one!
No one knows what causes preterm labor. The doctors and nurses have assured me many times that it's nothing that we did. Though you can reassure a new mommy all you want -- they will still blame themselves. If I had not been so stressed out, if I had not run around so much, if I had let the condo stay dirty a little more and not be so anal, if I had called the doctor sooner when I started feeiing a tightening. Should've, could've, would've. All that matters now is listening to the doctors, not taking chances with pain, and praying the little guy gets a few more deserved weeks inside the warm womb. I will do what I can -- which sadly, isn't a ton.
A couple of weeks ago, when we were in Galena, (and oh how perfect is that little weekend away looking now! We didn't know we'd be loosing our time together this quickly!), I woke up in the middle of the night crying. This isn't out of the ordinary -- I am pregnant and hormonal remember. I didn't know why I was crying. I wasn't particulary happy or sad or upset or mad. As I lay there with the quiet tears falling, trying not to wake Scott (he gets worried), I realized they were tears of fear. Fear for the change our entire world was about to take. I was scared that Scott and I were not ready to loose the life we know together, I was scared about being a mom, about not being good enough or ready enough, I was scared that things would never be the same again and we didn't have much time left. I know that the joy this little boy will bring into our lives will far outweigh all of my fears of the life I'm leaving behind, but it is a life I'm leaving behind. Our friends often say "I can't remember my life without my child in it." And I know that in a year, Scott and I will say that. Our entire life as we know it will never be the same. And until I am holding my little trooper in my arms, the concept will continue to break my heart. But then I know it will change in an instant and I will be more in love with my life and my family then I ever knew possible. As the reality of this change inches closer and closer, faster and faster, I will hold onto Scott's hand and trust that all will be as it was always meant to be.
Baby boy --- mommy and daddy can't wait to meet you either, but you're going to have to listen to us now and stay inside for a few more weeks so we can hold you and take you home with us from the start. I promise it won't feel long at all. Just hang in there! We love you lots and lots!!
