For the last fifteen (at least!) years, I have concerned myself with my weight. (I'm an actress -- it happens!) I have always been a pretty normal sized girl. (Semester in London aside of course -- eek! Lots of beer and midnight mcdonalds runs apparently raise you to astronomoical numbers on the scale) But, being in the world of film, my weight has always been on my mind. I've been watching myself on film since I was ... twelve? maybe? ... and the camera does indeed add ten pounds so I've always been grossly aware of how "big" or "small" I was at any particular time (and I have a number of vhs tapes to prove it!) I tried many things in my life to loose the "extra weight." Sometimes I worked really hard and fit in morning and afternoon workouts. Sometimes I tried not to eat anything but fruit and vegetables. Sometimes I tried a diet pill (fyi-they work for about a week, thats it). And even though I've always fell in a truly healthy (and far from fat) weight range, I've even had producers ask "do you think can loose ten pounds by our first shoot day?"
It was only a couple years ago that I truly became "ok" with my body type. I won't lie and say it happened at my biggest moment. Truthfully it happened at my smallest (who knew planning a wedding would stress me enough to drop 30 lbs. without realizing it!). But since my wedding, I've gained at least of a third of it back and have settled into healthy, happy, I fit into my 2-4 sized jeans, and I'm not super concerned with producers (minus Spielberg of course) asking me to "cut the fat." I eat healthy, but I don't deny myself goodies. I go to the gym, but mostly because I feel better after a workout, not because I'm trying to hit an ideal weight.
I thought all of my weight issues (or you know, at least a bulk of them) would end when I became pregnant. I have talked to Scott for years about the nervousness of gaining pregnancy weight and would I be able to loose it and would I be okay with the extra stuff that hangs around and so on and so on. I had comes to terms with "eating for two" doesnt mean eating everything in sight, but I did need to let myself be okay with a little more guilt free eating. I mean, after fifteen years don't I deserve nine months of a few more ice cream cones a month! I was actually excited for the weight pressure to sort of be "off" for a while, so I could just focus on eating when I was hungry and not feeling like I needed a 3 hour work-out afterwards.
And lo and behold, what happens?? I can't eat anything! Ok, I'm exaggerating. I can eat a little. But all those brownies I was excited about? Yea, not appetizing. I'm fifteen weeks preggo and I haven't gained a pound. In fact, I'm still loosing weight. Now I realize this post will become void after May when I'm crying to Scott about how much weight I've gained and how I'm never going to be able to loose it and no one hires normal actresses, you have to be skinny or fat, and now I'm just going to be short and ugly forever. But right now, I'm frustrated. I've searched for years for the miracle diet and of course, here it is, get pregnant!
Finally, for the first time since I was a naive child, I can eat food without guilt (ya know to a normal extent) and I can't eat friggin food! And when you're hormonal and you know you're loosing weight, not gaining it, you begin to see your baby withering away to nothing (because I'm sure that's how it happens). And I want a cute little pregnant belly!
So, if you have a free moment, please pray for me and my baby and my appetite. Because I know that poor child is hungry and gosh darnit, I want to feed it! :)
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